FERN'S FAN MAIL

A fan wrote:
Hello Fern, I like your profile.  You don't hide your motives behind P.C. crap.  Like when they asked the NBA spokesman why did you strike.  "We went on strike for the future players."  Nonsense! They went on strike for more money.  I like how you speak up front about the money.  Ethics has its place, that's why we volunteer.  We all work for MONEY.              -- Thanks for being honest, Charlene C.

Fern replied:
Girl, I hear you.

A fan wrote:
Where in the Caribbean are you from?  I visit there every year--go for a tour of the islands.  I am a commercial fisherman/sailor.  I have my own boat.  I have also done some modeling for sailing and boat magazines.  I think you would look great in a Nautical outfit against a Caribbean setting.  Drop me a line if interested.   I'll hook you up.  Good luck.             -- Jeff

Fern replied:
Jeff, irie mon.  I'm a Jamaican girl.  I love sailing, anything to do with the sea, the sun, sparkling white beaches.  Gee, I sound like a commercial.  I might just take you up on the nautical thing.

A fan wrote:
Dear Fern: I'm impressed with your past career as a dental hygienist. It shows that you are not as one-dimensional as you may at first seem.  Also, good breath is key. As the writer of a humor column on the Downtown art scene, in The Villager, I am testing out this email-the-models offer and I would like to inquire about Mr. Thirsty, with whom I'm sure you are familiar. (Just in case all that modeling has sapped you of your short-term memory, Mr. Thirsty is that handsome stud of a tube who sucks the excess spit from the mouths of those in the dentist's chair.)   I've heard some nasty little rumors about him--can you comment?  If not, please comment on anything at all so I can share this experience with my readers.   Write to me.              -- With warm regards, Traci Kampel, Arts & Features Editor, The Villager.

Fern replied:
Dear Traci: I am delighted to get your note.  I am so happy you asked about Mr. Thirsty. He was one handy guy to have around when I had the enviable job of dental hygienist.  I used him with abandon on the mouths of all my patients.  I'd suck their mouths so dry with Mr. Thirsty their toes would curl.  They loved it!  No one ever complained.  He was a drool attacker, a real hoover for the mouth. You get the picture.  He'd always cooperate.  What a guy!  I miss him sometimes although my ergonomic construction prevented me from experiencing his tender ministrations.  It all seems so unreal now.  Like a dream.

Hey, I am trying not to be shallow but it isn't easy when you're only 1 1/2 inches deep.   And, yes, I admit my short-term memory is not so good, especially after a hard day under the hot lights.  Why don't you drop by the gallery?  The other girls and I will be there from February 2 through 27, posing, vamping, and exuding attitude with all our might for the camera.  We might even dangle from the ceiling.  It's all in a day's work.  You and I might reminisce about Mr. Thirsty.  When was your last cleaning? You sound as if you have a soft spot for him.              -- With warm regards, ciao, Fern.

A fan wrote:
Fern, don't feel bad about losing the Wonder bra account.  You know every time we lose an account we think, is it just me?  Is it because I'm flat chested or made of wood?  But I go by the well used phrase you win some you lose some.  I am a kindred spirit.  I am a Macy's display model.  Some unkind people call us window dummies, but we are models.  Of course we are not in the league of you and the girls of Absolutely Fashionable, but we do our best.  Anyway good luck, and remember we can't all be in the window at Bloomingdale's.  That's what I tell my chums.             -- Teal

Fern replied:
Teal, every fibre of my being resents being referred to as wood.  I am made of fiberglass.   Not wood.  Now that I have got that off my chest, thanks for your kind note.   I've put Wonderbra behind me, it's their loss, not mine.  I would have done wonders for their line.  Anything more than a handful is a waste.  I am a strong believer in the power of positive thinking and I know I'll land a big booking one of these days and be on the cover of a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.  Just wait and see.   And, who knows, maybe you might move up to a window at Bloomies.             -- Best regards, Fern.